Dreamflakes

it's you

2006-05-29T16:38:00.000-04:00

We'll do it all Everything On our own We don't need Anything Or anyone If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know How to say How I feel Those three words Are said too much They're not enough If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads I need your grace To remind me To find my own If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

-

2006-05-20T13:47:00.000-04:00

All pure things are born of complete chance.

Two faces

2006-05-19T08:58:00.000-04:00

I was dreaming that I was looking at myself in the mirror. On my chest, just above the plexus, I had a second face. It was the face of a woman. I felt that I could see through these eyes at my will. I was trying to look into these eyes, catch her attention, trying to recognize her. I had this deep feeling that she was another part of myself, and I was right, it felt as if it was just another part of my body, like my hands.

The dance shall go on, I love you the moon

2006-05-11T23:33:00.000-04:00

I was walking in the dark streets. I like when there's no one around, except me, and this sleeping city, standing still, like a living painting. The moon was hanging full in the sky, behind a thin veil of clouds walking over it, casting an everchanging halo around her. Such a fragile, beautiful moment. In her silence she was telling me «Do you realize how lucky I am, that right now, you give life to me, you make me be, simply by looking at me, as I am, nameless, in the eternal now». And I answered, «I am the one who is lucky and blessed, to have seen you tonight, how beautiful you are, a jewel in the sky with nothing else to do than to be what it is, a pearl of untold beauty and ageless wisdom. Am I dreaming you? Or are you dreaming me?» And the moon answered. «Both, my love. We are one.»

I love to be in the presence of these forces, so selfless and pure like newborn childs and the birds and the moon. Like the cool spring wind on my skin. The tree wearing its new pale green leaves. I look at these humans being, thinking that like everything else, they will someday fade and go away. And for that I love them as they are. Snowflakes, all unique and wonderful, about to melt into the sea. The saint to the killer, they are all beautiful, they are what they are. Nothing lasts. Not even death. Not even this world, this sun. Everything dances. Nothing really matters, except love.

And the dance, its poetry, so beautiful. I open my arms, tears on my cheeks like dew at dawn, filled with this unspeakable admiration for life and light and things, I worry no more, fear is no more, I feel empty, so light, at home.

And I realize. I am, because this universe is. And one day I will be even lighter, leaving behind all that I learned to carry since birth and that I don't need, my fears, my desires my memory, my loved ones, my name, my body, my life.

So many living in misery and pain. Being a human is a cruel game. Rich or poor, possessing everything or nothing, at peace, or at war, we get so lost, so lost. For both peace of heart is out of reach. Because we forgot.

But we remember, always. And it makes it even more painful.

Grace, welcome me in your arms. Forgive us. Soon it will be all over.

And for all those who felt it, share it.

Poor, poor humans. Poor hearts.

Bring even more poverty and blood and ignorance. Maybe this way one day we will wake up. Everyone, together.

But that's ok. Nothing last. And one day all this pain will become silent, as the world is turned into ice, burned by an aging sun, and the whole humanity disapearing like it never existed. And make place for something else. You have not a lot of time. You're free to wake up, or not.

The dance shall go on.

Spring

2006-04-20T12:10:00.000-04:00

I realize I've been away for some times. I've been quite busy, working on wonderful projects here in this little sphere of glass in wich I live. Have you ever had this impression? I remember when i was looking through the window of a plane as I was taking off. Suddenly I could see my city at a glance, a small corner of the earth that I almost never leave. Like a doll's house. You think "this is where I live all these things, meet all these people, feel all these things". It's amazing to think that there are as many universe as there are eyes to see it, ears to hear it, awarenesses to feel it. And yet all of them are connected. Each of us is dreaming a world, and sometimes, we connect, stop thinking we are separate, and realise there's no difference between you, me, and the world on wich we walk.

Spring is back here in Quebec. A part of me feels like waking up to a new day after a long night weaved with dreams and visions... Like the bear coming out of its cave after the winter, shaking its head, hungry.

I feel like writing these days, so i might come here a little more often.

Tomorrow I saw some stars making their way through the bright sky of the city. How small we are. And if no one is there to look at these stars, do they really exist? And the photons touching my retina went through all this distance? That makes me and the star one. Have you ever heard that you are made of star dust. It brings thing into quite a perspective.

Live now.

For ever, and ever, and ever.

2006-04-06T08:54:00.000-04:00

Underneath the superficial you, which pays attention to this and that, there is another you more really us than I. And the more you become aware of the unknown self — if you become aware of it — the more you realize that it is inseparably connected with everything else that is. You are a function of this total galaxy, bounded by the Milky Way, and this galaxy is a function of all other galaxies. You are that vast thing that you see far, far off with great telescopes. You look and look, and one day you are going to wake up and say, "Why, that's me!" And in knowing that, you know that you never die. You are the eternal thing that comes and goes that appears — now as John Jones, now as Mary Smith, now as Betty Brown — and so it goes, forever and ever and ever.

Eternal, nameless, forever.

Naked as we came

2006-03-28T13:45:00.000-05:00

She says "wake up, it's no use pretending"
I'll keep stealing, breathing her
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard

She says "if I leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground"
I lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard

little heart

2006-02-10T18:34:00.000-05:00

I'm so hard for a soft guy
My hopes so high, my eyes cast low
And I don't know how to love
I get too tired after midday, lately

I take it out on my good friends
But the worst stays in
Oh, where would I begin

My screen glows, all night long
It's a nuclear show and the stars are gone
Little heart, little heart, take me home

I'm so hard for a soft guy
My hopes so high, my eyes cast low
'Cause I don't know how to love

I go back home after midnight
And if I want I'll tell myself lies
How I'll be in love by the morning
I don't think she'll know that I'm saying goodbye

My big screen glows, all night long
It's a nuclear show and the stars are gone
Little heart, little heart, take me home

Baby.

Don't go, say you'll stay
Spend a lazy Sunday
In my arms, I won't take
Anything away

Don't go, say you'll stay
Spend a lazy Sunday
In my arms, don't take
Anything away

Baby.

Baby.

Prayer

2005-10-20T23:36:00.000-04:00

One love.

Beyond all expectation.

I saw you, in this world.

It went so fast.

How can I find you again.

And this time.

hold on to you.

please come back.

I'll come back.

I swear.

Together

2005-09-22T22:04:00.000-04:00

a new entry now.

I've been through many seasons.
there are more to come.

in the last weeks I cam to realize evn more strongly the state of the world I live in.

disbelief, anger, sadness, fear, tear, sheer fatalism. Once I gave a name to this world. ashgarden.

a garden that is burning, relentlessly. a fire leaving only ashes in its wake.

I can throw water around me, it seems that we are too few doing this.

one can feel lonely sometimes. powerless.

i could ignore what's going on and just get on with my life. but no. my life is intertwined with Hers.

once you know, once you see, you cannot ignore anymore. and go on playing these roles in this comedy.

you just know, you just see. and with a sudden feeling of peace in your body and mind, you are the witness.

if it has to fall, then it must. then it will.

i'll do my best not to be a part of this.

part of the Human Game.

The Human Game. Once you're not part of the game anymore, you're a stranger. You see who are the winners and the loosers. and in the end you see only loosers. going down, and down, and down.

the winners will be those who stop playing, stop the madness, and do what they can to wake up others.

wake them up from their Human Dream.

My tribe saves me.

Those souls I have the luck to know and love.

Meeting them on the path. sharing the same thoughts. Feeling that you're not the only one, after all, to be out of the game.

my tribe. Love to you, my tribe.

I see it spreading its arms around the globe. Awaken brothers and sisters, with clear eyes, true voice, free mind.

unlearning the world as it should be. learning to see it as it is.

as it has been for thousands of years since its birth, in the ever renewing now.

scattered stars shining around me, making a mosaic of hope.

one day, the world as we know it will fall.

Those still in the dream will fall with it.

Those with the gift of awareness will gather, and go back into the garden.

Ashes means hope. Because lovely thing can grow in ashes. New.

The sea will wash everything away. The wind will blow everything away. Clouds will gather.

Blood will continue to drop on the ground.

Those in touch with reality will survive. Don't you know there's a part of us that fire cannot burn, that water cannot drown, that wind cannot blow?

Don't you see these cities made of fragile glass?

These lives wasted for the sake of words?

This silent voice inside you, telling you something is wrong, telling you that love is the only way, that death is nothing?

That deep in us we are sharing a wisdom with all the earth and its lif forms, that is fearless, rooted deep in the universe dance, synchronised with a music that has never stopped playing?

I say leave all this behind. Or if you have to be a part of it, if you have to play the game, don't take it too seriously.

because it leads nowhere.

focus on the real.

focus on love.

focus on light.

Stop believing in good versus bad.

That knowledge is not our to decide.

Let the water take you. Struggle you may loose yourself.

Let go, you will live.

This world is mad my friends.

But its just a passing world. One day its madness will make it go.

I'm at peace now, because after all, everything is all right.

Everything is gonna be all right.

Together.

Together.

Together.

love over this

2005-08-25T14:48:00.000-04:00

Look at the earth from outer space
Everyone must find a place
Give me time and give me space
Give me real don't give me fake
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Give me time, give us a kiss
Tell me your own politik

And open up your eyes, open up your eyes, open up your eyes, open up your eyes

Give me one 'cause one is best
In confusion, confidence
Give me peace of mind and trust
Don't forget the rest us
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Wounds that heal and cracks that fix
Tell me your own politik

And open up your eyes, open up your eyes, open up your eyes, open up your eyes
Just open up your eyes

But give me love over, love over, love over this

A smile that explodes

2005-08-21T23:44:00.000-04:00

Waking up at dawn
To find I lost my crown
If I found you there
With flowers in your hair
I'd hold you in my arms
Till we came back down
A smile that explodes
I could never understand

The fall

2005-08-20T00:08:00.000-04:00

This old feeling, coming back again, now. Like a too familiar wind not felt since a long gone season.
Now. In a bar, surrounded by a crowd of strangers, I want out, out.

Out.

I go away, suddenly filled with this strange feeling, that I cannot ignore, that takes over my entire spirit, like a dark, low cloud. I walk away, alone and much better, contemplating this disgust I have in my heart for all of them.

Yes, it's back. Fortunatly it does not last long. Never. But now it's there. This utter, great misanthropy. This hatred of what we are. Mindless puppets, sleepwalkers, idiots, saying nonesense, carrying around their stinking illusions.

I'm tired of the smell of cigarette and alcohol. I'm tired of all those stinky and dark places. I'm saturated with all this grotesque comedy that relationship and romance and sex have become. All these bodies looking like dolls. All these needs created by our society that poison my soul, turn me into a mindless doll like everyone else. This artificial happiness we have come to believe in. This artificial world. These artificial people. This fucking world going to waste because of us. All this smoke. All this smoke blinding me, turning my selfless heart into a needy beggar craving for things that will not make him happy after all. This smoke turning my love into hate, my hope into despair, my dreams into nightmares.

Why do I hate them? Why do I hate you? Why do I see that there is not point to all that you do.

I need a desert. A lonely mountain. A secret forest. An island. Alone. To touch the heart. To listen to the silence. To be no one. To be one. Far from all this crazy world, filled with puppets running in circle, far from all this darkness. Far from all these needs of perfect love-work-happy-empty-crazy life. This big asylum.

I want out.

Out.

I hate you, ignorance. You that makes us so blind and ugly and crazy. I hate you, ignorance.

I hate you ignorance.

What have we become, sky, you who have seen us since the beginning? You who will see us die from our own hand? All this love going to waste? All this innocence and beauty and shining light, broke down, motionless. Dead. Forever.

I feel so lonely right now. Because we all are. Lonely, without hope and faith.
Why does it seem so simple in my heart? Why does this world make it so fucked up?
Why does it fucks me up?

I want out. No more of that make-believe love, this consumption without end, this absence of the sacred.

Nothing is sacred anymore. Nothing is mysterious anymore to this society's eyes. Everything can be bought. Dumped. Explained. Spat upon. Striped down to nothingness.

Where is my tribe? I need you now. Make me believe that I'm still part of something beautiful and strong.

Make me believe that love still exists.

Make me believe that we human have still right to walk on this planet. A right to breathe.

Make me believe that we are still part of life and nature.

Because right now, I don't believe.

I have no faith in humankind.

I want humankind to go. Or wake up.

I don't believe they will.

I don't believe we will.

Come and get me, take me away, before I can witness the fall of mankind.

I'm not sad. I'm angry. I feel like a stranger. A witness.

A visitor in a foreign land. Not able to get along.

You idiots.

Poor idiots.

Sleepwalkers.

wake up or die.

Water

2005-08-15T22:56:00.000-04:00

Nothing in the world is as soft and yielding as water.
Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible, nothing can surpass it.

The soft overcomes the hard; the gentle overcomes the rigid.
Everyone knows that it's true,
but few can put it into practice.

Therefore I want to remain serene in the midst of sorrow.
I don't want evil entering my heart.
And because I'm giving up helping, I will be people's greatest help.

True words seem paradoxical.

The end of misery

2005-08-12T11:50:00.000-04:00

Life is good.

These days I feel light as a feather. I carry very few thoughts, and they feel light and hopeful. I feel that there's not the usual thin wall around me preventing me from tasting the outside world fully. I'm letting go of my perceptions and feel like an empty vessel, so light and swift on the waves of the moment. I don't feel that I need anything more to be fully happy. I am fully happy, all by myself. Here, now, I don't need anything more than my consciousness, my unchained self, my witness. I'm truly blessed and I feel lucky. My love for everything shines through my eyes at the speed of light. The time when I was running after this picky happiness that society taught me is gone, for now. I can taste happiness my way, free of the need to be someone special, the need to be accepted and loved by others, the need to be right. I taste what it is to be myself. No one and everything that is at the same time. The sun is shining outsided, and the wind is soft and sweet. I feel that all that my senses are more acute, more aware. The colors are more colorful. The music in my ears so loud and clear. The cold, refreshing water pouring on my head and neck. Everything makes me smile. I'm in the world, but not of it, because all these things I learned to believe in since my childhood that is making me small, chained, unhappy, sleeping, ignorant, sad, restless and foolish don't have power over me now.

I wish that this bliss will stay, in the good and the bad days.

And I wish everyone will taste this state of mind. It would be the end of misery.

The Archer

2005-08-03T22:04:00.000-04:00

When the archer shoots his arrows without the intent to win, he is master of his skills.

When he shoots to win a ring of copper, he is nervous.

When he shoots to win gold, he is blind, he sees two targets, and looses his mind.

His talent is always the same, but the thoughts of the winning prizes trouble it.

He thinks a lot more about the prize than the shot.

The need to win steals the power from him.

Tranxu

Today

2005-08-03T08:06:00.000-04:00

Someone said to me:

«Life is what happens to us while we are busy making other plans.»

Someone also said to me:

«Why worry? Will you add a single minute to your life with all your worries? Why being worried about tomorrow? Is there a life after death? Will I survive my death? Live today.»

Drifters

2005-08-02T15:24:00.000-04:00

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?
The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The day's get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.
I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?
The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.
I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

Wake up and play

2005-08-01T16:58:00.000-04:00

I've read somwhere that there are two forces within us.

Love and fear.

Everything comes from one or the other.

Love, and be happy.

Be afraid, and be unhappy.

Amiss

2005-07-29T09:21:00.000-04:00

Am I going down the same path again?

Thousands of futures opening before me like petals under my feets.

And here I am, wondering all by myself, what I'm missing.

mind's eye

2005-07-06T11:44:00.000-04:00

There is a witness inside all of us.
Closer to you than your breath's breath.
Watching life unravels around you,
knowing so much more than you ever will,
Calm, unshakable calm.

Trusting in you.

its voice only heard by your purest attention,
sometimes subtle and brief, like a dew drop.

Sometimes splitting the sky like a thunderstrike,
loud and clear.

who knows?

2005-07-02T20:08:00.000-04:00

The wolrd spins around me with so many things to see and touch,
I'm drunk with desires.
If only I could open myself wide, like a sky at sunrise,
and dive into the flow.
The miracle of life shows its face everywhere,
I can't get used to it.
I long to burn in your embrace, imploding with bliss,
one with the wisdom of the universe.
I love to be looking for words and to feel powerless,
in your light, I feel no one and one.
You make me weak, and vulnerable,
you make me strong and eternal.
Oh soul, let me make you shine through me,
let me be the rain and the sun,
I want to be your messenger.
My ego's dream is fading now,
nothing will come in your way,
Shine through me, so life can go on.
Blow away my doubts, turn me into a dragon,
my eyes mirrors of your love and ageless wisdom.
I surrender and kneel before you,
I'm ready.

Everything to live and die for

2005-06-22T21:35:00.000-04:00

A man was walking in an endless sea of white sands. The fierce light reflecting on the sand was blinding him. He did not know for how long he had been walking. In truth, he didn't even remember when he had entered the desert. It seem that the absence of living things around him had reached into his very mind, erasing every memories. The sun, inevitable and silent, burning not only his skin and his heart, but his thoughts too. When he tried to remember his life before the desert, he could summon images, very distant and still, lifeless, but still making him long for a time long gone. Now He was almost used to the blinding light in his eyes, the unbearable blaze burning his skin and his choking ragged throat full of sand brought by the wind. The one thing that striked him now was the utter emptyness of everything around him. How could a place be so barren? So lifeless and silent? Why was he here, in all of places? How could his life, so full of love and things and people not so long ago, turn into this quiet nightmare? «What went wrong with me?» he asked himself. «How could everyone go? How could I loose these people so close to my heart? How can I return to where I was?».

«I'm lost.» He realized, and then stopped walking. Kneeling in the burning sand, he looked at the cloudless sky, exhausted. He wanted to cry, but couldn't. He wanted to understand. He wanted to bring himself up again, but it was too late.

As he fell on the ground, loosing consciousness, he hated life for being so cruel, making him taste joy and love and then, taking it all from him. The night fell too.

In his dream he saw the starlit sky above him. So beautiful and cold and pure and beyond everything.

«There you are.» a voice said, just beside him. He looked to his right. A woman was sitting there, contemplating him, smiling. It had been so long since he had seen someone, he wanted to kneel and kiss her feets. And then as he saw how beautiful she was, and felt ashamed of himself. He knew he was an ugly thing, dirty and ill. So imperfect compared to her.

«God bless you.» he whispered.

«God bless you too, child.» She said, extending her hand. He wanted to take her hand and kiss it too, but didn't dare. The girl smiled a sad smile, and extended her hand to his face. She gently stroked his cheek, in a motherly way. «You have walked a long way. I see you are in pain and lonely. Why so?»

«I don't know. I don't remember. All I know is that I lost everything, everything.»

The girl nodded, saying nothing.

«Is this a dream? Am I... Am I dead? You must be an angel. Thank you for taking me.» He smiled, feeling his lips cracking. He had not smiled for a very long time.

The girl frowned. «I don't understand. You're not dead. Nothing is dead. There's just life.»

«Life, here? There's nothing. Just emptyness and loneliness. Just pain, and memories that burn.»

«I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it's what you see.»

«Who are you? What are you doing here?»

«I'm waiting for someone. He is supposed to come here.»

«Who would want to come here? And who would want to wait for someone in such a place?»

«Someone who loves and forgive.»

The man knew it was a dream. Probably a long lost memory surfacing for a moment. She looked familiar. he wanted this vision to end. Why showing him things he would never know and see and touch again?

«Go away.»

«I can't.»

«Go away I beg you! I'm lost, can't you see? Why do you come here and make me wish and hope, reminding me that there is a world somewhere that is alive and nice like you? I can't have it. I can't! I want to forget, all of it! I want to be like this cursed place, empty. Empty...» The man closed his eyes. It seemed there was a tear left in him. It rolled down his cheek, making a path in the dirt. The girl quickly came closer to him and catched the tear with her finger.

«Don't let this one go. Not this one.»

«What?»

«You've ignored all of them. Pushed them aside. Why do you think this place is empty like this?»

«I don't understand.»

«You made this desert. And somehow you like staying in it. You see yourself as the victim of life. But you're just the victim of yourself, and your lack of forgiveness. You want all these things.»

«Go, please.»

«No. You came to me. You came. I waited and you came. Now listen to me.»

«Save me.»

«I can't.»

«that's what I thought.»

«Listen to me! Only you can save you!»

«So what are you doing here?»

«To make you remember.»

«I don't want to. It's painful!»

«You have to, if you don't do this, you'll die. Do you want to die?»

«...»

«Do you want to die?» Tears were showing up in her eyes.

«No... of course no. I just want all this pain to go, okay? I just want to be happy. To love again. To feel one with everything again. Like before.»

«Nothing is ever like before. Life changes.»

«I know. It's just... It's all I have. The past. When I think about happiness.»

«Have you ever thought about looking here and now? Get rid of the past, it's useless, and it's turning everything into sand because you're not openning your arms to the now. How can spring comes this way? How can life begins?»

«I'm sorry. I can't help it. I'm just afraid. Afraid of being lonely and lost. There are so many things I want. And somehow I feel I can't have them. That life is denying them to me.»

«Like now?»

«Yes.»

«Why should you be denied these things?»

«I don't know.»

«well you should, because you decided to be denied these things.»

«You mean i'm the one responsible for all this?»

«Yes.»

«So what should I do now? Punish myself even more?»

The girl smiled, taking both his hands. «it seems you have decided it was enough, that it was time for you to come back to life and forgive yourself! That's good.»

«What makes you think that?»

«I'm here.»

The man looked at her and suddenly recognised her. «Oh my God.»

«It's been a while. You finally came.»

«Yes, it seems so.»

«Now it's time to live, my dear. Do you want to live? Do you want to love?»

«Yes! Yes. I'm ready.»

«Then let it go. All of it. Now.»

«What must I do?»

«Kiss me.»

The man closed his eyes, and kissed the girl. Inside he felt like a gigantic dam was letting go of an entire sea. It filled the desert and it turned into an ocean. He accepted his past, thus letting it die and disappear. As he was born again in the now for the first time, life, with all its wonders, took him away, with everything to live and die for.

And life came up with all this

2005-06-20T23:00:00.000-04:00

If you want to become whole,
let yourself be partial.
If you want to become straight,
let yourself be crooked.
If you want to become full,
let yourself be empty.
If you want to be reborn,
let yourself die.
If you want to be given anything,
give everything up.

Everywhere

2005-06-12T01:44:00.000-04:00

Today was my birthday.
29 years since I exist in this form.
I can't believe that so much time has passed.
What have I become?
Where are my kids and my wife and all that I thought that would come with a man of this age?
I'm still all by myself.
Oh my God, I'm getting old.
Life is a dream.
Everything is so fragile.
What have I become?
All those moments of my past,
images and sounds and smells,
feelings,
gone for good.
What lies ahead of me?
Good and bad times that will turn into memories one day,
I'm scared of regrets,
I'm scared of not having lived my twenties enough,
I'm scared of getting old,
loosing all these things I took for granted for so many years,
My life narrowing to a single, branchless path,
until I turn into an old man, with only memories as friends.
What have I become?
A better man, I hope.
Someone who can love.
Just love.
Someone who can build things,
make friends,
and smile.
Someone with no regret.
Someone with no fear,
someone free.
In touch with his heart.
These as such strange times.
The Age of the Desert.
Sometimes I feel lonely on my little boat,
looking in the distance,
waiting to discover a new land.
Strange times, all by myself,
wondering, wandering,
happy, and then sad,
content, and then needy,
peaceful, and then scared,
loving, and then hateful,
tall, and then small,
knowing, and then lost,
dreaming, and then in despair,
and hoping, always, hoping for better.

Oh life, let me be with you now,
My soul, let me be with you now,
I'm so tired sometimes,
Just want to let go, and fade away,
but you hold my hand,
and I surface again, greeting the sun,
new.

Stay with me.

And let me be.

Make my dreams come true,

it's not that much.

Just love.

Everywhere.

Love

2005-06-06T01:32:00.000-04:00

«The world moves for love,
it kneels before it in awe.»

Closer sun

2005-06-03T16:41:00.000-04:00

Summer is such a blessing.
In this part of the world, it doesn't last very long.
So when it comes back, everyones get outside and take as much sunlight as they can.

Suddenly being alive seems so right. People looks more beautiful, and happy.
I know they are.
All the colors bursting everywhere, powering up my retinas,
all those smells expanding and swirling around,
Skin is suck a wonderful thing under the sun.

The wind is warm, caressing my skin like the soft breathing of a maiden that I hold close to me. Makes me feel like I could take off and fly over the forest and meadows and skyscrapers.

Makes me want to go live in a place where it's summer all year long.

All I can say is, thank you, closer sun.

Giants

2005-06-01T19:31:00.000-04:00

It's just because most of the times,
we have nothing to compare us to,
but just a look outside the window,
tells us that we are so tall and beautiful,
our hands reaching much farther than we think,
our eyes can touch stars in the distance,
our heart can be so big,
I can hear you sigh at the other side of the planet.

A lonely giant is always a dwarf,
trying to catch up with happiness,
a fish looking for water,
A sun looking for light and warmth,
his strides are too short,
if only he could see,
how tall he is,
then no tree would be too big to climb,
and he would touch the sky,
watch the curve of Earth's belly,
and shine like a fireball hurling across the night sky.

Radiating

2005-05-30T20:01:00.000-04:00

Am I in the world, or is the world in me? Am I just the helpless victim of chance and random events, or am I making all this up? Am I meaningful? Is this life meaningful? Does the universe listen to me? Or not at all, just meaningless and random events and coincidences wich I choose to give meaning to, and believe in? Are we just puppets, vessels used by life to carry on? Maybe Life is just one being, and we are its cells. Or is this body a manifestation of something bigger, depper, infinite in time and space, riding atoms and molecules and death unharmed? The universe is infinite, does that mean that I am the center of it? If time and space are infinite, here and now are the same. Here and now is the only thing that's real. Have you ever had the thought that you were the only real person in this universe, and that everything else is just a product of your imagination? That as soon as someone, or something disappear from your view, they don't exist anymore? Can worlds and dimensions coexist at the same time? Does a tree or a bird exists when you're not looking at it? What is the use of light and colors if there are no eyes to catch them? What is a scent in a world where no one can smell? Why do we laugh, cry? Why does a tear taste like the sea? Is there such a thing as an objective world, or everything is ultimately subjective? Why is it that when we bath in bliss, we don't care about dying? Why life choosed to be so varied in its manifestations? Why does a flower is beautiful, why does it smell good? Why ignorance leads always to pain? Why is it that even if we are stronger together, we're so many to feel lonely? We are so many who cannot forgive. We are so many to be afraid. We are so many to be hurt. We are so many to keep things inside. Why is it that music is beautiful? Why this sound and this sound linked together makes me cry, and this one linked to this one makes me smile? Why harmony? What makes us think its beautiful? What are we afraid of? Is there such thing as chaos, or is it always hiding an order? Why am I always dreaming of flying and making love to a woman? Why am I always dreaming that I'm not good enough, not ready? Why am I in these place if I hate them? Why I'm with these people if they tell me so much nonsense? Why is it that in all these people we meet, there are these cherished friends that we count on one hand, and that you love without condition, whatever they might be or do. Why is it that when I'm in love with a woman, I'm ready to die for her? Why is it that sometime, I find it more interesting to talk to a murdered than to a saint?

Why?

Am I radiating this life, shaping it, painting it?

Or is it the other way around, I'm just a hopeless, crazy puppet that cannot accept its condition?

I guess that there is a place where you don't need to ask this question in the first place.

I don't know. I know, that I don't know.

Painting Life

2005-05-21T13:38:00.000-04:00

Outside, trees are gently dancing in the wind. The sky is gray and it was raining this morning. I feel like staying inside, to contemplate my day, quietly. I feel like a painter sitting in front of an empty canvas, thinking about what will be his first move. I want to give him all the freedom he needs, all the space he needs, so he go anywhere his imagination can go. Create his life like he wants it to be.

Silence

2005-05-12T13:19:00.000-04:00

"The one who has escaped from the grasp of future is without fear."

I live with almost nothing these days. I have a hard time earning money, finding job opportunities. I have a lot of free time and I don't know how I should use it. I have tons of projects but I need money to get them started. I try to trust that things will fall into place and that this is temporary, but sometimes I catch myself being afraid. I know that compared to the two-third of the planet, I'm rich and should have nothing to worry about. I know that this strange period of my life is meant to be and that I have something to learn, to understand. I try to enjoy it, just be. I wish I could be a tree, be patient like a tree, alive, listenning to the wind in my leaves, oblivious to the concept of time and not caring about money.
I can't go on the net these days because I don't have a computer anymore.

I'd like to land sometimes and drive some of my roots in the ground. But the season, it seems, is not right yet. I keep meeting womens with wich a durable relationship and commitment is not possible. They just pass by me like clouds in the sky. It is no coincidence. I feel ready to love, but life, it seems, is not ready yet.

Is it still possible today to commit to something, to someone, for me? Or it is my destiny to be a bird that never land, jumping from branch to branch without staying? One of my strongest desire in this life is to be free, and fully alive. But at the same time, I want to take roots somewhere. Can I realise both of these desires? Am I a fence sitter?

Maybe I am.

But as I get older, my desire to have my own tribe is getting stronger. I want to have a wife, childrens, friends.

Life is such a strange thing. I have the feeling that I'm evolving, changing, adapting. Expanding my self, day after day, to experience more and more of what life has to offer. The challenge is not getting easier. There is always something more to learn, to experience about myself. I know that each day, I'm becoming a better person, leaving behind everything that keep me from being free. It's like removing pieces of you that you thought were part of you, but that were just useless weight. And the more you remove, the more there is underneath.

I wonder if there is an end this process.

Sometimes, I feel that one day my path will lead into a temple, somewhere. A place far from all the distractions of this world. Where my soul will be able to sing and bath into the simple act of being.

That's what will happen if I realise that the life I choosed here is not making me happy. If I have no family, no friend, no root.

There is this fire that I share with almost no one here. This fire to touch life and the world in it purest form. This desire of purity. Of complete, utter peace of mind. Be still, like a tree. Lik a rock. Like an eagle, fearless, majestic, eternal. Maybe I was a monk in another life. Maybe I am destined to be one in this life.

But not now, not yet. There are still too many things that my soul wants to experience here. I still want to dance love, desire, attachment. Pleasure and pain. I still want to make that bargain. I know I still need to walk this path. I still believe I can meet her. That i can still have fun in this playground, that I can still create myself and the world around me.

You should see these places I see in my mind. I wish, of how I wish I could find a way to show them to you. It is one of my mission here. I wonder where is the key. Beauty. Beauty that makes you cry. Beauty that makes you drown. Love.

I'd like to be a song. A song of hope and love and beauty, known by every humans. Each time someone would sing the song, I would make love to the world.

I read the newspaper this morning. I never read it usually. I understood why.

But I still believe that somehow, living in such a harsh world makes sense.

It gives love, and life, all its meaning and beauty.

I wish you peace and silence, and gentle wind in leaves.

Colors

2005-04-29T15:47:00.000-04:00

And when I see you, I really see you upside-down
but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around, turns you around, turns you around.
If you feel discouraged, and there's a lack of color here,
please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams, absorbing everything, the spectrum A to Z.

This is fact not fiction, for the first time in years.

my heart is a temple

2005-04-23T22:03:00.000-04:00

Transformation

2005-04-22T12:06:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite thing on Earth is the butterfly.

How beautiful they are.

How well they show that this world we live in,

is truly miraculous.

How delicate, and infinitly intelligent

is life.

Saved

2005-04-14T16:20:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how all of us got used to live in a world on the eve of dying.
We are used to see.
Entire races disappearing.
The sky turning to a featureless grey.
Poles melting away, north and south.
Misery, ignorance, greed.
There are brothers and sisters among us.
Disturbing the delicate balance of life.
Gene therapy.
Forest cut down the size of football fields.
We should never get used to this.
«The death of birth»
I'm scared that one day, life will die.
I don't care about humans. I'm part of this, to my shame.
Humans should go, if they don't change their vision soon.
We must realize that we don't own life. Life owns us.
The Earth owns us.
We're no king or queen.
We are creatures, animals, servants.
Sometimes I want to escape. Somewhere far away.
But there is no place one human can hide from the civilisation.
A Satellite will find him.
No corner of the Earth is not a territory.
And to think that these are just conventions, agreements.
In fact, nothing is to no one.
There is no country. No property. No frontiers.
No way to live or to die, except your own.
Sometimes I want to do something. Act on my words.
I find no way, except being myself and radiate what I am.
I want to cry for all who are suffering.
Not because they suffer.
But because I know there could be a world.
A different world.
A possible world.
In wich they would not suffer.
It could be.
I wish that a falling star will wash everything away.
So we can start anew.
Instead of trying to slow a fatal fall with parachutes full of holes.
I wish we could learn the laws of aerodynamics,
instead of thinking we can fly as we continue downward.
I'd like to give humanity another chance.
I don't know if we deserve it.
I think we do. I'm sure life,
the whales, the sky, are not vengeful.
They are merciful.

Maybe that's all right.

Maybe this dying world. Is the world.
We have to experience it. Live on it.
And find inner peace.
The Great Silence.
Where there is only light.
Saved.

Saved.

The first voice

2005-04-11T11:58:00.000-04:00

In my dreams, no veil mask the truth about me.
Fears, ignored, now materializes before me.
Desires, driven back and locked in dark rooms.
Past conditionning, the hammer and chisel of time and experience,
shaped me, or rather, how I see me.

I wake up, sometimes reassured,
sometimes yearning for what just diappeared in smoke as the light of day invade my retinas
sometimes confused, and afraid, of what I just saw.
Of what I now understand about me.

You may think what you want about yourself. Pretend to be like this or like that.
Say that you are over this or that.
Tell someone that you believe in this or that.
Sometimes your deeper self, the first voice, say otherwise.
There is a wisdom in us, that doesn't know fear. That knows. That sees. Unmarked, untouched by time and experience.

I wish I could be fearless.

I'm not.

A part of me is. That part wich I'm always talking about. That part wich is all part. That part wich is your part.

Maybe that's why I'm here? Some say you're here to learn. I'm learning. I don't know. As far as I can tell, everything that I wanted to experience came to me without effort. And every time, if I'm honest and pure, I learn about me. Emotions are here to serve me. They show me something. With perspective, it seems that everything that happens to me, I wanted it to happen. Everything has something to tell about me.

There is the way you learned to be. It determines how you see you and the world. How you judge it, how you label it, the good, the bad.

And there is the pure way. That cannot be taught or learned, because it shines only in the now. It is subjective, personnal, it speaks to you. It makes you see. It makes you embrace everything as a whole. There's no good or evil, how could there be?

Why are we so afraid? Why do we not trust? I tasted holiness. When it is gone I fear I will never taste it again. So I try desperatly to recreate this holiness, only tobe left emptyhanded, tired, wounded. And then holiness shines on my face, suddenly, without effort, so new, just like that, when I finally let go and surrender, too tired to keep running after the sun.

There are so many dimensions to life. Sometimes just a little event can change every facets of it. A face previously mundane and part of the neverending flow of everyday life becomes full of life and meaning. Something that happen to you many times, like a knock on the door, and suddenly you understand why it happens, where it comes from, and it stops happening.

There is no book to read. No guru to find. No religion to hold on to.
You can gather all the knowledge you want. Be a genius in the field you want. Be recognized, known, famous.
You can be a king, a queen, or a beggar with nothing to hide yourself with.
Find the perfect lover, the perfect house, the perfect life.

You will find nothing, nothing that your first voice already sees, and knows.

I love her, she's taken. Why do I care? Why do I curse?
I guess this a gift to me. I guess it makes it even more beautiful.
A gem, that you cannot touch, but only admire.

I will stay back.

I understand. That's how it is.

And I'm enjoying myself, in this wonderful, sacred, romantic, beautiful and sad, sad story.

Because when I was in that bar, flooded with music and sounds we had no choice but to speak in each others ear. So close to her my heart sank and melted like snow in spring. Her hand on my arm. Hundreds of her hair brushing my cheek, each single one of them a true blessing. Her voice like vibrations of molecules touching the inside of my ears. The world around us spinning into nothingness. I wanted this moment to last foerever. At that moment, even if I knew that anything more would be impossible, I felt something that brought tears to me eyes. A simple thought, something I was afraid that I had forgot.

«So, that's how love feel. I'm still able to love. I'm still able to feel it. That's how it is. I understand now why I tried so hard before and nothing worked. I was not in love.»

This is enough for me. It has to be enough. I don't want more. Because I don't want to hurt myself.

She asked me if we could see each other sometime. She told me she always wanted to be my friend.

I don't know. I was honest with her. I told her that it would be dangerous, for me. I felt silly telling her this, but that's how I felt. If we becomes friend, I will completely fall for you. I know it. I know that as we will get to know each other, I will love and cherish every parts of you, your light and your shadow. And then I will hurt, because I will not be able to keep myself from falling for you, and start to hope.

But she insisted. I resisted but not for long. I'm weak. Love makes us weak and vulnerable.

She made me swear I would call her. I swore.

Now I'm afraid. I dreamed of her last night. I was seeing her again, and she was cold as ice.

That's what I'm afraid of. Opening the doors, and being stabbed by hundreds of ice shards.

My fortress

2005-04-07T19:02:00.000-04:00

Old walls. Old conditionnings. Keeping from being free.

Ego schemes for preservation of itself. Survival. Separation.

It's part of us. I don't want to utterly destroy it. It's part of the dance.

But I don't want it to chain me. I want to see it for what it is. Embrace it.

Accept it.

Things appear to be separate things. They are. And they are not.

And what's in between. Beauty.

Awakening

2005-04-05T23:39:00.000-04:00

The sun in spring is really different. The light. It's color. It's warmth. It's angle.
A part of me, the part that went to sleep last fall, is awakening.

And it feels good.

Awakenings are sacred moments. There is so many way to awaken. And so many way to fall into sleep. Both are wonderful things.

Love, Live.

2005-04-03T21:26:00.000-04:00

Who am I? Who are we? What are we?

I can't stop asking this question. I have no answer. No answer that my mind can accept, that is.

But with another part of me, I don't know how to name it.

I know we are something wonderful. That something hides behind our eyes. That I am. That we are. Together.

And that somehow, this world we share, is within us.

The cosmos is infinite. Thus, wherever I may be, I'm at the center of the universe.

I stand here, atoms into molecules into ADN into cells into organs into body into soul into me. The result of a process that took billions of years of transformation and evolution. And I witness all, that I am.

For what is the sunlight if it's not felt by any skin? What is a rose if it's not smelled by anyone? What is music if's not heard? What is a peach if it's not tasted? What is a sunset if it's not seen? Are we not the ones that give life to everything, by just giving attention?

And how can this intelligence permeating all, that wich operate this universe billions of years before we came into existence, how can it be so subtle, so impossible to name or to explain? Beyond the labyrinth of my conditionned mind and the storm of my thoughts, I sometiome rise above the waters, and suddenly I don't have to question my existence anymore. It just is. It cannot be otherwise. I cannot not be. Everything fall into place.

The power of words have a limit. When you reach bliss, words are useless.

I stare in the face of truth and look away, like when I try to stare at the sun. Eyes hurting, filling with tears.

Everything is a poem of everything. Everything mirrors everything. I want to dive in everything. Love everything.

The sea is the sky is the grass is the woman is the desert is the mountain is the star is the leaf is the music is the smile is the touch is the wind is the kiss is the fruit is the horse is the rain is the rose is the iris is the love.

Love. I want to sing the world. I want to see your face night and day. I want to forgive. I want to trust. I want to surrender. I want to rise. I want to taste you.

I shall stop trying to name you or know you or explain you.

I shall live you, instead.

Acceptance

2005-04-02T01:53:00.000-05:00

I'm like a sail.

If I can only raise and catch the wind, instead of just lying there, without care.

I must be light, I must be open and empty. So I can fill myself with the moment.

Kiss the now

2005-03-30T17:26:00.000-05:00

Past is history.

Future is mystery.

Present is a gift.

Fragile

2005-03-28T21:45:00.000-05:00

Life and death hold each other's hand. They both need each other. Everything is part of a cycle. Seasons. The flow of water. The flow of our blood. The dance of the planets. Night and day. Life and death. One dance.

Whole

2005-03-28T11:06:00.000-05:00

We are no different than wood. In fact, we are no different than anything else in this world. Just energy, taking different shapes.

About

2005-03-23T11:51:00.000-05:00

One word at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
Pieces of moments. Of visions. Straight through this very subjective channel that I am.
Like snowflakes, flakes of dreams.
This is not about the dreams I experience in sleep.
It's dreams I experience fully awake.

Dreamflakes. Just watch.